why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
