just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
