you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i drank out of a bidet.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
