Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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