please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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