Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
