last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize