last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize