When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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