I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
