mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
