Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Life is so much better after having sex.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
