You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
