after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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