The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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