he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize