The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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