I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
