Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
