I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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