I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
