franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
