I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
