Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
