I am puke
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
