that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
