Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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