Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
