I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
