So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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