My hand turned me down
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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