I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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