Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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