The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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