next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
this just has baby written all over it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Found the puke drawer
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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