It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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