apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
