omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize