the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
