I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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