he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
