Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
