at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
