can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
