Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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