last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
