ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
