Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
