On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
