my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
