I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
