Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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