My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
