Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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