I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
