that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize