He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
