people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
