I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It was confusing and full of hummus
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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